My 1st Whiskey Off Road Adventure

WHISKEY TIME!

Sooo, this will be my first mountain biking race blog. For those who haven't read my intro or profile, I can guarentee rambling, a ton of weird and random, and expect it to be about 200 pages more than it should be. Throw in a ton of sentence fragments, bad grammar, misspellings, and a well-placed curse word. Why are you reading this again? Some people think I'm a tad humorous so hopefully it’ll be entertaining enough to keep you reading and not notice that half the day went by. I'll eventually learn to whittle them down though. Ain't nobody got time for this.

Start of the Pro Men's Crit

SO the Whiskey Off-Road Race. For those of you who don’t know…Google it. It’s big, it’s popular, it’s an all weekend mountain bike party fest and it’s one of the hardest courses out there. From the pros to some poor beginner some jerk friend conned into competing, there are nearly 2000 riders of all levels. You can start to understand just how hard this course is by stabbing yourself in the legs with a butter knife, maybe a fork also for the 50 milers. A sharp knife would be too quick and easy. Be sure to stab a little extra in the hamstring and calf areas!

The 50 miler (50 proof) is about 7300 ft of climbing and the 25 proof (now closer to 30 miles) is 4000 ft of climbing. The climbs are steep and long. Oh and for shits and giggles, they’ve picked a trail w/huge water erosion logs every 50 ft for your pleasure. We’re talking eye-capillary bursting blood pressure spikes just to pull my big ass up over this log thing and pray my back wheel follows on a 10+% grade. Erosion schmosion. Jesus.

Pros up the hill

DC Gorilla finding that I'm heavier than he is

Whodathunk I’d be able to compete in this so soon. It wasn’t too long ago that I was a little oinker having an asthma attack after only one mile into Fantasy Island (Tucson), the easiest trails in Arizona. (See my "So It Began..." blog for more about my mtb start). I contemplated on doing it this year. Am I ready to RACE a course with this much climbing? You see, I'm deceivingly heavy and weigh more than many of the guy racers. I'd like to think of myself as a big rock of strong, anaerobic muscle surrounded by 5 layers of Crisco at the moment. Used to be 10 layers from pigging out and being sedentary for a couple of years. I've always been good at sprinting, jumping, basketball, throwing, squatting baby elephants, stuff like that, but last year I knew to compete in this sport, I’d have to research heavily. What will it take to turn my burly, anaerobically-inclined body into an endurance animal able to RACE an hour then work up to 1.5 hrs and so-on? To eventually be competitive where I wasn’t the last one to cross the line after everyone was already 10 beers deep? Grades above 5% and I start feeling like I'm pedaling in quicksand. I'm competitive and hard on myself if I'm not near the top. So I said "Self, I'll let you do this if you treat it as climbing training and to gain race experience. Don't be pissed if you're not on top. Have fun. You will get there." I want to be there so bad. Patience!


Chloe racing as I'm walking down from hotel

 Day 1:

Pro guys Crit start

I get into town just in time to cheer on Chloe for a couple laps of the Crit as I’m walking on the back streets from my hotel. Dang I missed most of the women’s crit! I keep walking and come over the hill. HOLY COW! Look at all the people! By far the biggest mountain biking event I’ve ever been too. I’m overwhelmed by the energy, the crowd, the set-up and the fact that I was actually IN this gigantic race. Cool!

Anna, Mertie and Comino at Dinner

My lil ass hotel room. Poor Clark is bored.

The guys crit starts. How fun would it be to sprint like that? They come whizzing by the haybails, blowing my hair back from the woosh and fly up the hill as if it were flat. Amazing. Some of my Sierra Vista peeps invite me to dinner. What do I have? I race tomorrow. Water, some pasta, a few wings, whiskey? I head back to the motel and my mind goes crazy. Should I down some Gatorade tonight, take an extra vitamin, stretch, shower? Carborocket or water only? Both? Should I make love to bike? Will my dog get jealous? Stop at the aide stations? When should I get up, when and what should I eat, coffee ok? What tire pressure? What time should I be down there to get a good start spot but then I can’t warm up if I’m there too early? I don’t know. GOOD LORD. My dog does that cute turn his head thing watching me pace and mumble like a schizophrenic. Someday I’ll get my before race routine down. But it’s so different for every race, every course. This sport takes way more strategy and preparation than I ever imagined.  Ok ok, shut-up brain, let’s watch the rest of this god awful movie, “Varsity Blues,” and try to go to bed. Toss. Turn. Toss Turn. Trying to get to sleep was virtually impossible. Finally aww I’m aslee…BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. You gotta be fucking kidding me right? That’s my alarm already? Son of a…


RACE DAY:

Poop in da pants nervous section

I know I shouldn’t try something new but I was desperately trying to figure out how to lessen my weight on the ride. Those couple of pounds make a big difference when you’re already at a weight disadvantage. I decided to try Carborocket only along with a few Gus, drink my bottle before the start then if I needed straight water, I’d stop at the aide station. I fill my Osprey with Carborocket and water, take a sip. YUCK! Can I do this? Well that was $12 worth of Carborocket packets, stop being a pansy and don’t waste it. You can do this, you’re just not used to it. You’re doing this for the experience and climbing training anyway, remember? Yeah right.

I hit up Starbucks, walk my dog, get my bike all prepared and head down to the start. Now for those who know me, don’t die of shock but I was really early. Had enough time to go grab some Gus, go to the restroom, spin my legs a bit, and talk with some friends.

Scott C's 1st Whiskey too. Good luck!

I need your climbing magic, Beth!

I hop in line around the Fast area – the “Mildly nervous but I can do this” area. I ask another rider where's the “I’m about to shit myself I’m so nervous" area? Oh no such area? Ok, I’ll stay here. I stretch a little. Beth comes over to say hi and good luck. Give me some of your climbing magic, Beth! I see Scott too. He's ready to roll. Slowly but surely it starts packing in. People lifting their bikes over to cut. I'm getting pushed and feel like I'm in a game of human Tetris. Suddenly I find myself with-in make out distance of the girl next to me. Oh sorry. We start laughing and talking about what to expect. She’s done this quite a few times. Man my hamstring's tight, stretch, 5 min to go. My shoe is bugging me but bending over to fix it is almost impossible. I finally get to it, YES! 30 sec. Oh crap, I need to get on my bike. BOOM! We’re off. Wait a minute, no we’re not. Waiting waiting, ok now we are.

Behind me at the start.

WOW! What a great experience! the crowd's screaming, the helicopter buzzing, the energy as we turn that corner, the crowd is all the way down the street and around, and all I hear are cow bells. Seems appropriate, I mean it did feel like we were a herd of cattle.

In front of me at the start.

I’m being pushed out a bit to the curb area and people are there wanting high fives. Oh crap a cone, a drainage gate, a curb, a run-a-way toddler! Holy cow it’s already technical!  We round the corner and start to go up. Ugh. Hang on to that guys wheel. It gets steep. He pulls away. I jump over to another wheel. Hang on! Dang he’s pulling away too. Shift up, up. Oh here we go a 2 sec downhill and I pass him and a few more. Well that didn't last long, we're going back up. I catch on to another wheel, he’s pulling away. Shift up. Ugh, you can’t keep this pace up. Ssshhh, just do it. He pulls away slowly as it gets super steep. What in the hell, is this a 45% grade or what? I’m going a blistering 3 mph. Stand up and grind, get through this, but I can’t as I’m starting to get that tingling feeling in my hands, in my legs, in my head, my heart's pounding out of my chest, and I start hearing that weird sound before you pass out. Back off, back off! Breathe, breathe. I can't. People start passing left and right chatting away. I’m suffering here, how are they talking? A teammate of mine, Cory, goes by and says hi and I can’t even get out anything remotely coherent. He just got a grunt from me. Sorry, Cory! I'm totally discouraged as I know the advice was to try to get in front of as many people before hitting the single track but I’m the one being passed. I’m honestly pushing as hard as I can playing chicken with my body.

Man, what is wrong with me today? I feel off. I'm already aching. I’ve been working hard on climbing, what gives? Is my shock locked out? Do I have a flat? Is it my asthma? No warm-up? Was it what I ate?  Do I need a Gu already? I yell out "shutup" and I get looks. Sorry, not talking to you all. It gets steep again and I start bargaining. I swear I’ll never eat like crap on a trip again, I swear I’m going to drop 5 more lbs before next race, I swear I’ll <fill in the blank>. Where's the damn dirt?!

There it is…the road turns to dirt and it’s like my turbo boosters go on. I pass a slew of folks. I’m at the campground and I look up. Whoa, what a sight! They are all the way up the hill and on the trail on the hill beyond that one. I’m looking way ahead to see if there are off lines I can pass people.

Climbing but at least on dirt! - Courtesy of Zazoosh.

What in the world? Here it is just as steep and since it’s dirt I’m passing people left and right on off camber lines? I need road training bad! I hit the single track and we're going at a decent pace. I’d like to go faster but there is no where to pass 100 people in a row. It’s nice to have a break though. I look down to the hundreds of other riders coming up from the campground. Kind of cool. I look back up and slam on my brakes to a complete stop. For the love of baby Jesus, why are we stopped?! The line of people is insane. It’s like DC traffic. Don't road rage, don't road rage. It's your fault for not getting up the road faster. We stop. Go. Stop. Go. We finally get to the problem area. I bomb right through it. That’s what caused that back-up? Oh my. There's a lot worse a'comin'. I start to feel lucky that we have so many awesome techy trails in Tucson. This race has people from all over the country and I can see where some may have trouble with our Arizona terrain. We repeat this stopping and going a few more times. Supposedly it’s better than last year? All I can think is that I REALLY need to work on my steep road climbing and drop some more weight for next year so I can get up in front to avoid the back-up. The guys behind and in front of me were friendly and we were chatting and having fun most of the way on that part.

Tech section I had to wait in line for. - Zazoosh.com

Suddenly, we start climbing hard again and here they are, the erosion logs. The line is backed up again. Unless you do this climb with some good speed, the loose chunk and logs will get you. I cleared many in the pre-ride so at first this was frustrating but then I start to use it as an opportunity to practice track standing and slow tech climbing. I'm doing well as the only time I falter is when another in front unclips suddenly. The guy behind me asks to go around. Being nice I say sure, but wait a minute suddenly 10 go by not letting me get back on my bike. Hey, it wasn't my fault! I catch them in about 2 sec on the up. We start to descend on the water bars and they are going slower than they were uphill. Why in the world did they want to get around me? I push past some of them that unclip and we start climbing again. Again a guy unclips in front and I have to stop. Another asks to go as he's still riding. Ok, I guess. Again 8 more go by. Wait a minute. I catch them quickly and again we're crawling down another water bar descent. Holy cow, huck 'em and go, fellas! I'm frustrated because it wasn't my fault and now I’m on their ass inching down on my favorite parts. Lesson learned. Somehow I maneuver around the majority that passed me and again a guy stops suddenly on the up making me bail. I get asked again. I hop on quickly and say, “It's not my fault, man and I keep catching up to you guys unable to get around. Stay on my tail for more than a min on this downhill and sure." Mile 10.65, first major descent! He kind of chuckled "Ok."

Weee! Downhill! - Zazoosh.com

I didn’t have anyone in front at the moment, awesome!  Here. We. Go! I hear the guys on my tail for a second then their tire sounds start to fade, suddenly no sound. Good choice, Cas! I’m flying and it gets steep and loose and I’m skidding around. FUN! Oh shit a S turn. Didn’t remember that one. Hi Mr. Bush! I hear “Clear the line, Clear the line!”  I yell, “I will once I get done crashing!” The guy goes by and I hop back on, hit two steep tech parts dodging a few walking and catch him. He lets me go by. Thanks man. Big ring time! I’m thinking “that climb was so worth this.”  I catch and blow by quite a few people. Thanks for letting me pass! I catch another but he’s not having it. I ask him, when it’s safe. Those moments come and go as he speeds up during passing times. I try to make my voice deeper and sound like a guy. Nope, didn’t work. It gets even steeper and looser. He will definitely need new brake pads after this race. We are crawling down at a frustrating pace. I look out at the view as I see a line of people down in front of us and we are catching them even. I let it go. It’s ok. Look at this view, look at this amazing view! I’m still having a ton of fun, I’ve already learned so much, and I got a good 3 or 4 min of crazy fun downhill with minimal interruption. I got lucky. I’m happy. I back off and hit a couple of jumps, switch my legs up, do some rhythmic breathing as I know the killer hill before the aide station is coming.

Dafuq? Is this a 45% grade? Geesh! - Zazoosh.com

At first I’m catching people on the hill but wow, this one is going on forever and it’s getting steeper and steeper. I’m frantically checking to make sure my shock is locked out. I'm checking the mileage on my Garmin every second - it seems to be stuck. I check to see if I can gear down anymore. Nope, already in granny. I check again. Nope. Again. Nope. It’s like when you check the fridge a million times hoping some magical food fairy will fill it with something more than beer and an empty pizza box. It gets super steep and there are tons of people walking. I move to the front of the seat and am sternly telling myself, "don't you dare stop, don't you do it." Oh man it hurts and my mouth is so dry and cottony. I can’t wait to get some pure H2O in me instead of this Carborocket crap. As the aide station nears, I can feel the tingling, the pounding of my chest, the light headedness, the sound…back off back off. NO, I'm almost there. You're not the boss of me, body! As I'm about to lose consciousness, I cross the cattle guard and semi-fall off my bike and a volunteer helps me up. I made it! Like a zombie I head over with my water bottle, arms out, grunting something close to “wata.” The nice guy fills me up a few times and despite water having no flavor, I can't believe how fucking good it tastes. He dumps some on me. Thank you! I needed that but that took 5 min. Crap.

I’m climbing up the dirt road now wishing I had some tunes and thinking what can I do next year better to not stop. I want the best time I can possibly get. I'm planning my yearly training regimen already to make sure I'm one of the front runners. I want to avoid the back-up. I'm going to get this course in under 3 hrs someday. Watch me.

I round the corner and Anna and Mertie are there cheering me on. Thanks guys, I needed that! Finally I’m at the top! I see the aide station but my inner coach yells at me to get my ass moving. There’s not much left, the climbing is virtually over. Later I wish I would have stopped as Vern was there handing out whiskey and Julie bars. Bummer.
 

Water felt good - Zazoosh.com

I pedal on by and people are yelling my name, cheering me on. You all rock! Thank you. It climbs a little and suddenly I’m pointed down again…YES! I love this part. I come up on a guy fast and ask nicely to pass. Nope, he speeds up on the passing parts and unclips on a fairly simple tech part. He hurries on his bike frantically not wanting me to get by. I catch him again. I decide to stop being nice. I need to learn to pass competitively anyway. We catch another girl and I get around him with out asking and go by her as she pulls over a bit. I tell her thank you. I don’t see anyone ahead and I get all giddy. Wooosh. I get a good couple of minutes of non-interrupted fast enduro fun. I blow by a guy who yells out “you go girl” as I surf down the steep part with baby heads and some little drops jumping them. It smooths out and I look at my Garmin. I’m going almost 30 mph. Weeee! Oh shoot, maybe I shouldn't have looked. Don't get nervous, don't get nervous. I see a group of people on a small uphill and I’m catching them like a Ferrari catching a line of tractors on the Autobahn. What should I do? Hurry, hurry, decide 5, 4, 3.... It’s pretty open. 2. I yell a warning, 1, and like poetry they move to the left and I fly by on the right. SORRY to scare! I realized then that I use my momentum pretty good compared to others.

Woah, woah, sharp left, sharp left. Who put that there? Man this downhill doesn’t stop. I LOVE this! I feel really good. Not sore, not hurting. I’m counter steering, practicing my cornering and hit the a little stream. Aw, feels good. Come around the corner…BRAKE! Where in the world did this tech section come from? Tons of people walking. We are stopped as some poor guy is cramping and he hobbles out of the way. I feel for him.

This switchback had some victims - Zazoosh.com


I hop back on my bike remembering that cramp hill is coming and I take a drink. I’m 5 pedal strokes in when WTF!? An excruciating pain tears my hamstring back and I can’t extend. I eat dirt. I’m trying to unclip my other leg and it starts to cramp. AHHH, where the HELL did this come from?! I was feeling fine! I‘m trying to pull my bike off the trail while moaning in agony being careful not to slide down the exposure. I see Comino, YOU OK? Yeah I’m good. Go go. Then Scott Foreman. I’m fine. Thank you. Go for it guys! My left one goes again as I try to move and locks up. This was one of the worst cramp I’ve had ever. Almost felt like the hammy tear I had back in my track days. I’m sucking all I have out of my Osprey and my bottle. I realize that I shouldn't have this much to suck right now. I should have drank more before. Another lesson learned. Come on, come on. I’m so close. Finally it releases. Shit, I’ve lost almost 6 min.



Creek crossing. Moto guy coming. 1st Pro guy is right behind.

I hobble over and get on the bike, I can feel them wanting to go again and I suck down some more carbowater. I get to cramp hill and it’s like a freakin’ war zone. People are scattered all over grabbing quads, hams, calves,…the yells, the screams…there's cuts and blood. I'm sure to develop PTSD after this. I keep going asking if everyone is ok and I see Scott. Oh no. Ya good? Yeah, he has pickle juice. Keep pedaling. I feel my right hammy going again and I unclip and try to pedal with my heal, it helps. I'm up top. Holy crap, did I just get through cramp hill without cramping again? Sweet!

Beth about to make the creek her bitch.

We are headed downward again and I get caught in a line. Bummer, this part is fun going fast on the switchbacks. At the bottom, most get by the single speeder in front except for me. Poor dude is spinning so hard I swear I see smoke. That’s ok, he’s hard core and I give it a rest. He doesn’t deserve me on his ass so I back off as I didn’t see a safe spot to pass anyway.

Suddenly I hear cowbells and cheers. I round the corner. Oh shit, the gnarly creek crossing. I see 3 people either fallen or walking it and I'm thinking "I'm NOT unclipping again for any more tech sections." The crowd is screaming as I pick up my speed and head for the only open line. It’s a harder line but all the good lines have people on them. I storm through, nail a guys handle bars that's walking, and have to track stand as I come out to avoid another dude who just fell on the rocky section after. Luckily I’m in a good gear and I power on by. The crowd is screaming “that a girl, yeah!” That felt good.



Mark represents Tucson w/3rd place Single Speed!

I can smell the end and pick it up. I catch a couple girls walking another tech section. I wait and track stand then bomb through it when suddenly I can’t pedal. Dafuq? The road is right there! I see it. Ha ha, of course, a bad chain suck literally 50 ft from the road. I don’t have the energy for this. I move out of the way and can’t get my chain out for anything. I can feel my cramping coming back if I bend down so I have to sit and play with it. Finally I get it out and get going.


Kata and Nick at the Awards. Nick got 1st - way to rock it!

I storm down the road and catch some people, though I don’t see the two women I came up on before my chain drop. Dang. Who cares though, I’m almost there! I round the corner and the intensity is crazy. People cheering, screaming, blow horns, those damn cow bells. Lots of “way to gos” and such. Pure awesomeness! I sprint through the finish and skid to a stop. I get off. I can’t walk. I can’t breathe. I start cramping again. Oh my god I'm going to hurl, but BOY DO I FEEL SUPER!

Pro Women XC Start

People offer me water and such. I talk to Comino and Scott sharing our cramping stories. Some nice volunteer helps me clean my blackened nose. It's like a damn dirt magnet, snot faucet during rides.

I’m spent. What an awesome feeling and holy shit did I learn a ton…racing etiquette or lack of, what to do, what not to do, what I need to do and train for next year. I finished this race with a pretty decent time considering the adventure in between. It's a good time to improve upon. I go sit down for a while on the side. I already start to visualize and get butterflies for 2014. Bring it!

Geoff Kabush swooshes by - He's leading the pros.



The Rest of the Day/Night and Day 3:


That entire day and night after was a blur, I was so spent. I watched the awards and some bad ass gents and ladies get some well-deserved swag and their Whiskey flasks. I went back to make sure my dog knew I still loved him and headed down for dinner. Some people wanted to hit the town but I was wiped. I'm an old fart now.

The next day I watched he Pro start. Beth was ready to knock out her first Pro Whiskey race.

1st female pro, Leslie Paterson, coming through.

I hurried after the start to check out of the hotel. Anna and Mertie led me out to the creek crossing where we watched the Pros go by. I walked my dog, chatted with Beth a little about how awesome she did and headed on home.

The end.